Electronics: Now Is the Time to Set Clear Limits

Yes, with few exceptions, we are all living different lives. And we might continue for quite a while. As mentioned last week, in my view, the data overwhelmingly points to the need to limit screen time in every form. And yet, there is a clear opportunity amidst this crisis that many are neglecting, as there is no sense of urgency to change on the part of many parents.

However, for those who see this emerging problem as a threat to their child’s future (see last week’s article for more details), there are opportunities to strengthen as parents, to become more centered within ourselves, and to build a more united family-less dependent on external activity and distraction.

However, in my telehealth conversations with clients this week and in the emails I have received, one fundamental struggle emerges:

• Should we be setting limits?
• How do we do that without war?
• Why should we set limits if this is temporary?

Limits Are Essential – Now More Than Ever.

The literature on child development has been clear on specific topics for decades, and no data suggests this will ever change. Children thrive on limits. They are happier, adjust better, and more prepared to succeed. This does not shift amidst a crisis or pandemic.

Why? Because the world we live in is filled with limits everywhere we turn. But more importantly, limits are necessary for both growth and self-discipline.

The absence of limits teaches everything that is inaccurate and false and leads to beliefs that do not fit well with success, happiness, or being responsible. Let’s cover a few concrete examples. The absence of limits on food creates obesity and health problems. The lack of limits on staying up late creates fatigue and poor focus. The absence of limits with electronics creates addictions and alters the brain. The absence of limits with procrastination leads to no results.

Remember that children do not know what is best for them, as their view of the future is restricted by the capacity of their brain to foresee a threat or a possible danger. That’s your job. If you don’t set limits, it’s as if you are saying, ‘Sweetheart, I know you can’t drive, manage your finances, or even know what maturity feels like…but I trust you to make the best decisions that affect your life.

That’s a bad plan. So yes, limits are required for your children to experience success and happiness.

But How Do I Set Limits without Constant Battles?

This is a critically important issue. The secret is relatively simple. Most parents try to set limits by controlling their children rather than controlling what kids care about. We appear weak and unaware when we use words to set boundaries.

Why is that? Shouldn’t children respect our words?

Well, better we do not deal in should. The question is whether words effectively get the desired results when setting limits. I find they do not.

Thus, it is often better to abandon lots of words, negotiations, and arguments when setting limits. That will drive you insane. It will usually lead to you sounding like the ‘crazy person’ as you start yelling and screaming at a child who is smirking at you. Not good.

So, instead, abandon controlling the kids. Focus on controlling the controllable. For this discussion, that means you don’t try to argue or fight your way to agreement. You won’t get it. Instead, you take control of all those electronics, those games, and all the goodies.

Control what your children care about, and then you can have the magic that comes with leverage. Please don’t battle or argue. This is exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately ineffective.

Instead, seize control of the stuff your kids care about and use this to leverage them to get their homework done. You can also use this to leverage them to get outside and go for a walk, do some chores, or even tackle a novel project with Mom or Dad. At the end of the day, you don’t fight about cutting off the phone. As an alternative, you turn it off. The optimal version of this involves you learning to use the software that allows you to shut down all the gadgets in the home effortlessly.

And for most of you, please trust your gut. The literature on the addictive and unhealthy nature of our dependence on electronics is compelling. We must become concerned. And we must start setting more substantial limits. This is true now more than ever. Without limits at this time, children and teens just become more and more addicted and dependent upon those devices.

Without limits, we follow what pulls at the immediate reward centers of the brain, and inevitably, laziness, addictions, and apathy toward growth abound.

“Crisis Is Opportunity Riding the Dangerous Wind”

The crisis is here, and thus the opportunity awaits. We have the opportunity for children to learn that boredom is a choice, and they can step out of it. They have the chance to learn something new with their initiative. They have the opportunity to recognize that they have a creative mind and that this creativity opens the door to magical possibilities.

They may even realize that they have been dependent on outside entertainment to fulfill their desire for satisfaction, and this is its own curse. Ultimately, they might find an opportunity to connect more deeply with family and discover the rewards of contribution over incessant self-fulfillment.

The possibilities are unlimited. However, those possibilities do not exist if no limits are placed on children getting what they want. Set limits today. And do so without using lots of words. Control the devices, and not the child. But do so fairly and predictably, not impulsively.