Impossible: Motivating the Unmotivated?

One of the most common questions I receive revolves around the theme of motivation. Parents often ask how to motivate kids when they don’t want to do something; usually, it’s a responsibility. However, teenagers sometimes appear sad, lost, and unmotivated to do anything other than sit on their phones in their room, and there is little motivation for anything productive. But let’s cover a sample of the range of questions parents have asked:

• Why can’t I motivate my son for something other than video games?
• My daughter used to love sports. Now she just loves Instagram & can’t live without her phone.
• Why is it a constant battle to get them to do homework? It drives me crazy!
• All my kids seem to take the easy path now, refusing to buckle down and work hard. Why?
• Why do we have to fight to get a conversation with our teenagers?
• Now, my son likes to ‘try’ everything but quits when it gets tough.

In most of these situations, the parents ask why, and often, the child or teenager asks mom/dad, “Why should I do it?” Good question!

Why We Need a Strong ‘WHY’

A strong WHY is about having a reason to do something. The potent why becomes the emotional fuel that we might call ‘motivation.’ That same WHY often becomes a driver for action and behavior.

We all need a reason to put forth the effort. The ‘Why’ can come from the inside, or it can come from the outside. I just sat with a dad who has never missed his kids’ ball games in over 10 years. He has done so with considerable sacrifice. When asked why, he stated that his father never showed up for a single game, and he was determined to be the opposite type of dad. This is a strong internal ‘why’.

In contrast, I recall a teenager who mentioned his growing enjoyment of soccer, and I inquired as to how he began playing. This young man surprised me with his response, as he explained that he had been overweight in years past and began playing so he would not be picked on for his weight. He described a strong externally based ‘why.’ However, he added that he no longer thinks of this and now finds playing fun. Here is a why that began as an external source of motivation but has now evolved into an internal ‘why.’ This young man has provided us with a strong pointer for success.

Keep in Mind: The Strong Why Fuels The Strong Try.

Once we understand that the ‘Why’ fuels the ‘Try,’ we can use this formula to our benefit. The more children (or adults) experience a strong and compelling reason (i.e., why), the more you will automatically see the corresponding powerful effort.

Thus, the secret to motivation: Stop Talking About The Try; Instead Nurture The Why!

Too often, I find parents, educators, and coaches discussing the importance of effort. We talk to the unmotivated child about getting motivated. We scream and threaten and beg them to get their butts in gear. And yet, nothing changes.

Instead, we must shift our focus and determine how to build the why. But here’s the problem: We value internal motivation too much AS A STARTING POINT. In other words, we try to convince them to have a why for doing good work or putting forth a solid effort. If a child is unmotivated, talking them into a strong why is virtually impossible. In my experience, only failure and frustration await when we attempt to instill a strong internal why in a child or teenager when it doesn’t exist.

Get More Practical and Less Theoretical

So, we must become more practical if we are to affect motivation. There are a few simple steps that must happen consistently. And patience is required, as this is not about controlling your child. It’s about instilling a value or belief, and that takes time. And effort on your part.

But now the good news: it’s not that hard. It just takes time and consistency.

We must impact them in a way that they care about ‘today’ in order to motivate them to do something ‘today’. Assuming we work with an unmotivated child, we control what they want and create external motivation. We have little choice, and parental understanding of this formula is critical to turn things around.

At our practice, we utilize these motivational strategies daily to assist in getting children to complete their Neurofeedback Brain Training. Without it, many families would not have accomplished success with their home training programs. You can learn more by visiting CapitalDistrictNeurofeedback.com or calling us at 518-383-0600.

In next week’s article, I will map out the simple formula for starting with the external why and explain how time transforms this external into the internal why. Nothing always works; the sooner you begin with this approach, the more likely the positive result will be. If you have a 17-year-old who is unmotivated, then this is a very tough road ahead to shift the momentum of lethargy. It can be done, but extreme patience and impeccable environmental control will be required. More to come next week.